life's course

you know the hardest thing about life is staying on a course set before you. you know what you must do..... there is a need for it but remaining in it is difficult because you just dont seem to know what it is you are to do or what is required of you or worst of all if you are ever needed for the task. funny as it sounds it is actually quite serious. i find it hard to complete something when i start cause all these question pop up and then uncertainty pop up like "peek-a-boo! are you sure thats what you should do?" then i get all confused and discern that i shouldn't go that way and then i get stuck at the cross roads, you see! even you are confused right now probably wondering "whats she on about ?"

i have missed a lot of chances, a lot of opportunities have been lost and once they are gone you never get them back. i never had confidence in myself and my abilities because the support i needed must was given. i am trying very hard to be positive with the life given to me despite all the negativism that have plague me during my younger days. you see i don't know what is required of me i don't know how to approach things the way others do. i am very sensitive i think i have lost my way. i am plagued with uncertainties of what it is i am suppose to do

i find myself apologizing all the time.... my fault my fault my fault but when i come to think of it i am angered at the fact that everything is my fault.... yes i am difficult to get to but it is for a reason.....i am difficult to understand but it is for a reason. life circumstances haven't been good to me so pardon my animosity. i have never really had anyone care much for me or what i like to do so yeah thats about it..... i guess thats why i deviate from time to time from one thing to another..... trying to find my home, my place, my heart. i still haven't found what i am looking for....... have you? blessed are those who have for you shall have peace of mind........ God help me..!

Dying within

its been a while.....i have been noticing and looking into the contents of my heart and i find that i have been slowly dying inside just that it has become faster in the last few months. i can not place my feeling and i am becoming Cold. my feelings tend to be half alive and half dead..... few moments ago my heart half alive welled up with emotion which would usually lead me to cry but i found that i couldn't cry but sit in discomfort. it is scary to know that you cant cry anymore. feelings are what makes us human.....hence the word humanity. with out feelings i fear that i will become a cold hearted murder with no remorse for the wrongs i have done........ O Dear Me! what am i ever to do?

its worrying..... the last phrase sounded sarcastic because it is sarcastic..... i have no pity for myself no feeling at all..... i wonder why.... could it be in the fact that i have lost hope in all aspects of life. the loss of faith in the things that i believe in, dreamed of and desired....... i must confess that i find that must days i am half heart in everything.... i rather not care than care about anything and everything. i don't know what it is to be me..... if you asked me to define myself i think i would be completely blank in the face....... like a blinking motel sign post .... "vacant, needing occupancy to reveal oneself". i worry.... i seriously worry...... i have taken to locking up myself in my room and having as little relations as possible but one thing remains true in my heart....... i don't want to remain locked up physically and emotionally. i want to be free, vulnerable. i want to know what it means to have hope, to have faith..... so with this i offer a prayer from my heart even though half heartedly..... half's got to count for something...... right?

So Dear Lord Jesus

you made man and you blessed us with the very essence of your nature (feelings) so that we may in every way be more like you. you summed it all up in one word L-O-V-E. i fear that i have lost that aspect of you in my life and it sadden me to have done so. i have lost love for everything and have put myself first.... i ask for your forgiveness. help me father restore that which has been lost and make me more like Jesus in every way. i want to live a life worth living.... and this muscle spasm in my left shoulder has been going on through out the day and it is freaking me out ....so help it stop twitching involuntarily....... thank you father, i ask all these in Jesus name i pray

AMEN

Prayer from the Heart

Dear Lord

i come before you with sin in my heart. i admit that in the past few weeks i have been bitter about the most wonderful thing that happens to man. i admit that i thought only of the world of my heart instead of the bigger picture of your kingdom. but Lord it hurts more than i myself comprehended it would..... i was preparing myself for this..... so i should by default be absorbing it with the lightness of heart... but that was not the case..... my heart hurt, my eyes welled and my eye bags sunk... it painful......Lord i support their union from the deepest of heart not because its the christian thing to do but because i truly, earnestly do because i have no belief in my heart that he shares the same feelings that i have for him...... i am wishing him all happiness and love in this life. who knows how much blessings i have missed in the past year because of my ignorance...... anyways it reminds me of you love for us..... you love us just as much but the sad thing is that we never acknowledged it in our lives...... instead we run after everything else except you....... my sadness reminds me of your sadness. the deep wounding of your heart aches as you watch those who you sacrificed yourself for go astray ignorant of your love. father like i am hopeful of your coming and i am hopeful that love will be mine one day. so i thank you for that which is and that which has been and that which will be...... thank you Lord for in Jesus name i Pray

amen.

wake up and smell the coffee....... life isn't like the movies!

I am a hopeless romantic..... after watching a movie under the genre romance, i quickly resume my day dreaming activities( nothing dirty i assure you) wishing that i was some damsel in distress waiting for a man of valor (modern of course) to come rescue me... (ladies don't pretend you don't day dream i know you do its in our nature deal with it.)

For example Meg Ryan in "you've got mail" who wouldn't wish they where Meg Ryan writing emails to a stranger who strangely happens to be your rival. along the course of the journey you become friends and you begin to fall for him but at the same time you are hoping to remain true to your pen pal man(who secretly is your rival). you recite phrases like "nothing personal, just business" and then in the end when he (thats is your rival playing pen pal man) finally get to you, he lets you know his secret- it was he who you fell in-love with in the first place. it not the figure tom hanks that i am intimately wishing for, its the character he plays. he had the right(sort of) to disregard her when he found out that his pen pal was Meg Ryan' character but he had come to know her before his prejudices and was willing to hang on and "go the the mattress" to win her love.

How about "jerry Maguire" i am not a big tom Cruise fan but my my did i fall in love with his character. one of his lines in the final moments of the movie is famous for a reason, "you complete me" eyes welling up with emotions that assure you he speaks from his heart. got to give it to you Tom thats was the performance. it is very girls dream to hear that phrase one way or another. to know that success is nothing with you..... or living is nothing without you... but completeness is found in you." you complete me" . however, true completeness only comes from God i have to say.... what profits a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Ah how could i forget "a walk to remember" bad boy turns good after meeting his eve.... unfortunately their love was one that was meant to last for a while. but man! the stuff he did for her .... the fulfillment of her wishes and dreams.... kills me. whats more is that he finds himself and gets to experience love in its truest essence which is Love that builds. thats is a love that we truely desire in our deepest of heart. love that makes your aspire to be better. over the fence, over the hills, through the skies, reach for the stars kind a love...... need i say more?

Love in movies seem easy..... they tell you all about the joys hardly about the pains. finding love for one is hard, they never tell you about that. their remedies for heart aches are wack they bring more suffering than healing. the point i am trying to make is that, that kind of Love only happens in movies in reality very few get to experience love in its truest essence. well this is a personal message to me from me ... Wake up and smell the coffee ..... life isn't like the movies. stop hanging on empty hopes and wishful thinking. get a hold of yourself and get a life. busy yourself with what matters now and let love worry itself. when it is time it will happen.... he makes all things beautiful in his time. its easy to say but the hardest thing to do..... well thats about it.....

Dying Breed

i had a light bulb moment this evening as i had a chat with my dear friend. have you ever wondered if you where part of a "Dying Breed" even amongst Christians. take a moment and think about. have you ever really wondered like i have, why your are not attractive to a lot of people even though(not to brag ) you are better than whats available in the market? the light bulb moment came about when my dear friend was telling me how a potential relationship went sour, when someone who chased after her for a while and stopped chasing after realizing that she was a Christian and had a completely different lifestyle and beliefs . she became "unattractive" O dear me!

have you ever wondered why many Christian men and women go outside the church and date other people.....? don't get me wrong, i don't have any bad blood with them chicks but it is puzzling ? why do Christian men and women look outside the church for love? i mean there are lots of fine looking brothers and sister in the church who are pretty decent in all aspects of their life . whats makes them "unattractive"? why are we searching outside the church for love? what makes the men and women of the world attractive? there is a growing and frightening number of people who are leaving the church because they want to be love. i can't help but consider myself a "dying breed".

as a young girl i would always imagine my romeo coming to sweep me of my feet with the corniest of lines , telling me how he loves me and respects me for who i am. that was 11 years ago. i am still dreaming that dream because i choose to be patient and wait for a God fearing man but he still hasn't come and doesn't seem like he is coming. why? the problem is that God fearing me are seeking women outside the faith and vice versa. what is it that worldly women promise to give? we do know how to love too you know! what do they have that i don't have.... i have got breasts but the difference is that i decided to keep them inside. i have got a vagina too just that i have decided to experience love on that level when i am married. we are just not physical enough, is that it? i am investing in my marriage. by making this choice i am investing in my marriage. sex is a sacred thing, it was designed that way i am sorry if i don't mess around with it the way others do. so yes i am a virgin and i am a "dying breed" we are one the brink of extinction.

it worries me that i might not experience love or never get that chance to experience it because of my choice in life. and like other it is the very core of me, the very nature of me. the desire to be love not sexually but purely. it is possible to have a relationship without Sex and all that comes before and after it. it just that you don't want to admit it. what i keep hearing is once in you can never get out. too sweet to let go off..... and we Christian are accepting this idea. it is a matter of Choice.

my cousin once told me something that i hold dear to my heart. its an anecdote of a women who was getting married and all her past boyfriends came to her wedding talking amongst themselves as they watched her make her vows. their discussion was about how they each had her and how much of a gem she wasn't. they considered her used rag and that her husband was bound to leave her. her dignity and respect as a women was lost. so, why have it with so many men and loose that specialness you might feel with one. anyways it much more than sex. this issue boils down to character and lifestyle as well. which again is a matter of choice.

i really don't understand why people want to hurt and suffer when they could be blessed enriched and fulfilled. why opt for "had i known" relationship? true, some Christians have characters that don't match the name but there are few who give the name a good testimony. why not them ? why come out of relations feeling and being empty when you could have a come out of a relationship feeling enriched?

moreover, we are willing to sacrifice our relationship with God for Love...... mere human love that would only cause us grief. i wont lie to you, i want to be love just they same way as well but i am taking a stance today not to forgo my relationship with God just because some "Guy" doesn't find me attractive. i am taking this stance because it has a stake in my future and in eternity. i will keep on trusting in God for a "Dying Breed" like me to come my way and be smittened by my "unattractiveness". what it gone be for you? are you part of a "Dying Breed"?

Cupid when is my turn......? i am waiting.....!

i feel left out..... its like everyone around me has had some experience at love. they have gone through the whole journey and i haven't even started mine cause "Cupid" i am still waiting. to be honest my heart is hurting now and i think i am breaking a cardinal rule but anyways here goes. i am hurting because the one i supposedly like has found his other half. my heart swells with pain thats mixed with anger, jealousy, anguish..... it so mixed that i can even put to words my feelings. anyways back to questioning Cupid..... i think i am a decent girl, maybe a little on the heavy side but have seen other girls who are a little on the heavy side and have boyfriends. why no me? it like Cupid skips me on the queue. it like this....... imagine a line of Girls waiting to see a gynecologist and when its about your turn he passes over you and sees another girl. its getting personal to me why am i being passed over...... whats do they have that i don't have...... why are they special.....?

just to side track a little..... i find that i can explain myself when i write...... when i try to think about it i cant even put my feelings into words but when i start writing..... it pours.......

its crazy! i have a desire to love and i wait eagerly for the opportunity to do but i am passed over time and time again..... its painful its hard to endure..... cant help but be all high school about it...... GOD STOP PASSING OVER ME........ PLEASE DON'T IGNORE ME....... SEND HIM ALREADY!

Whats the point?

Have you ever wondered " Whats the Point?" For example whats the point of waiting when something delectable is right in front of you? Whats the point of caring when no one cares what you say and what you see? "Whats the point?". Why should i care so much? why should i worry so much when i am no mother. Even mothers these days hardly ever get respect. They hardly ever get listening ears to hear what they are saying and putting into consideration their advice. So i ask you "WHATS THE POINT?" These are grown men and women for pete sake, they have their life to lead and me me pestering them about whats right and what isn't. "Whats the point?".

i have had no experience in love so i really don't know what i am talking about. i mean the inkling of your hearts desire, the watching and waiting for the next incoming SMS, the constant worrying of where he /she is and what is he/ she doing at the moment aren't symptoms of being in love. how about the need to spend every moment with them, the piercing of your heart when they walk away with the very thing you think you need the most. Ooooo! how about this one? the unwillingness to give up the very desire of your heart, the tears that flows uncontrollably, the winding of your stomach the moment they are in plain site. i bet you, this is not a symptom. the need to want to hold them and consume them passionately with every bit of yourself. huh? what do you think?

sarcasms aside i am hurting because i have love and i wasn't loved back i was reject the very instant i confessed my feelings. What was a whale like me thinking? that true love sees no FAT ? The world's kind of love sees FAT and REJECTS it the moment it approaches. So yeah, maybe i haven't experience being loved back but all these desires i am willing to let go and wait for God to write my own love story cause in actual reality "what is the point" of getting hurt over and over again. You live hopelessly unsure of the next event that will tear you apart. You prepare yourself for the inevitable that at the began with the notion of fun but now seems more than just fun but the very core of your heart. You give yourself a way one faithful night to secure an insurance for your heart but one faithful day he/ she works away with it, taking all that you are and leaving you nothing but painful memories. "what is the point?"

I am done caring, done advising, done trying to convince that God really has the best of thing in store for you because (not to Disrespect you God or to sound hopeless) i have no testimony to prove so. it is my resolution to keep silent in matters that don't concern me because " WHATS THE POINT?" its not my life anyways.

Black Woman, where does your pride come from?

Black woman, where does your pride come from?

do you pride yourself in the darkness of your skin
you were born of the rich black gold of a soil
or is it in the thickness of your charcoal hair
tilled for the plantation of corn
where does your pride come from?

Is it in the fullness of your lips
or the ampleness of your bosom
a baby finds comfort nestled in them
a pillow blessed with the richness of love
where does your pride come from?

What of the hands that feed the mouth
the hands that can caress tenderly
or the hands that can passionately teach a lesson
so full of experience
where does your pride come from?

Ah the heart! soft at that same time strong
merciful at the same time merciless
always full of emotions
but never lacking in strength
Black woman where does your pride come from?

anonymous in reality

"ANONYMOUS" it could have the implication of both good and bad. Good in relation to political agenda and bad in the sense of feeling "ANONYMOUS". I am never much for politics, so yeah you guessed right i am feeling very "ANONYMOUS" at the moment.

There is that longing to be known and wanted but then again given my situation i don't think much can be done. I don't feel much of a person to be desired, wanted, needed, appreciated. Yes, i have God with me, yes i know he cares and is beside me all the time but theres the need for a human touch. There is a hunger that needs to be satisfied within me. I am hurting because my situation is not helping at all.

Sometimes you cant help but feel ugly in Asia especially when practically everyone around you is below American dress size 10. I am not hating but hurting. i feel "ANONYMOUS" amongst the beauties that surround me.

You might say lose weight then, do something. well to be honest and just so that you know, we fat people hate the way we are and want to do something about it, but it is hard just like it is hard to quit smoking. We hate that we carry so much on us, we hate the fact that we can not wear the latest trends and enjoy the joys of life like everyone else because we are cocooned in our little world thats occupied by our excess luggage, our excess weight. Whats worse is that we are judged and not seen for the beauty that we are (inside).

We are not given the opportunity to blossom. There is so much to us that the world misses and we miss. We have feelings, we are smart, funny, witty, we have dreams that we want to share if given the chance at love. We want to be love, we want to be touched, we want to be seen beyond the blubbers that protrude out of our dresses. see us for who we are . Stop hating and start loving, you never know the healing you bring into our lives.