Dying within

its been a while.....i have been noticing and looking into the contents of my heart and i find that i have been slowly dying inside just that it has become faster in the last few months. i can not place my feeling and i am becoming Cold. my feelings tend to be half alive and half dead..... few moments ago my heart half alive welled up with emotion which would usually lead me to cry but i found that i couldn't cry but sit in discomfort. it is scary to know that you cant cry anymore. feelings are what makes us human.....hence the word humanity. with out feelings i fear that i will become a cold hearted murder with no remorse for the wrongs i have done........ O Dear Me! what am i ever to do?

its worrying..... the last phrase sounded sarcastic because it is sarcastic..... i have no pity for myself no feeling at all..... i wonder why.... could it be in the fact that i have lost hope in all aspects of life. the loss of faith in the things that i believe in, dreamed of and desired....... i must confess that i find that must days i am half heart in everything.... i rather not care than care about anything and everything. i don't know what it is to be me..... if you asked me to define myself i think i would be completely blank in the face....... like a blinking motel sign post .... "vacant, needing occupancy to reveal oneself". i worry.... i seriously worry...... i have taken to locking up myself in my room and having as little relations as possible but one thing remains true in my heart....... i don't want to remain locked up physically and emotionally. i want to be free, vulnerable. i want to know what it means to have hope, to have faith..... so with this i offer a prayer from my heart even though half heartedly..... half's got to count for something...... right?

So Dear Lord Jesus

you made man and you blessed us with the very essence of your nature (feelings) so that we may in every way be more like you. you summed it all up in one word L-O-V-E. i fear that i have lost that aspect of you in my life and it sadden me to have done so. i have lost love for everything and have put myself first.... i ask for your forgiveness. help me father restore that which has been lost and make me more like Jesus in every way. i want to live a life worth living.... and this muscle spasm in my left shoulder has been going on through out the day and it is freaking me out ....so help it stop twitching involuntarily....... thank you father, i ask all these in Jesus name i pray

AMEN